The truth is

I am a split personality. I want to come here and spill my guts and muddy the screen with my dirty confessions. And then I want to post pictures of my sunshine boy and ramble about how lovely and wonderful he is. I guess that’s why it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I never know what to say or where to focus. But the truth is my life is both. It is ugly and falling apart and beautiful and glowing. Even when I lock myself up, Jonah keeps me bathed in light.

And that’s what I’ve done, I guess. My switch has flipped to off. It’s not even flickering anymore. I don’t know what else there is to do except just say it: I believe my marriage is over. I am good at lying and hiding so I can feel the surprise of those of you who have known me for so long. I don’t let on. I don’t like to fail. So I stuff things away and pretend they are not there. But there’s no hiding it anymore. I just can’t. I am so tired of pretending and being unhappy. I relate now to my dad than I ever have before – I want to run away and disappear. My instinct to flee is so strong and overwhelming. Only my son keeps me rooted here. It’s torture being home. Kevin knows – we talked about it a few weeks ago. I think he senses how serious it is, though I didn’t say the heavy words. I wish I could point to something and say: This Is Why. But there is no one thing, only an accumulation of things that have left me empty and broken and unwilling to even try and put it right. I have made a gesture by agreeing to attend counseling. But not even together, I only agreed to go on my own. I am trying to find the nerve to call. At this point I feel like what I am seeking from counseling is not a solution to keep my marriage together, but rather a way to get out of it with as little damage as possible. I am consumed by guilt because of what I will do to my son. This child who I would defend with everything I have… it is me who will give him this first big hurt. I have wrestled with staying for him. In fact I have already been doing that for so long. But I have to believe it is better for him to see me seek happiness and be true than to live in a miserable lie. I would want him to be happy. Still, my heart aches at the slash I am making in his family.

I can’t even talk about this with anyone. Everyone wants to fix me or to give me advice. No one wants to just listen. I have not told many people either. And those who I have told, have only been given a sketch. The details… My details. I can’t bring myself to speak openly and show how black I can be inside. Today Tommy called me. I miss him so much. He told me he wants to come visit me, have dinner, talk like we used to and have not done for such a long time. And I told him yes, yes, please come. I told him my marriage is sinking. I could hear his surprise. But he only said he would be here soon, hopefully Saturday. We hung up and he sent me a text, a sweet wonderful message of reassurance. I hope he can come this weekend. I feel like I might be able to tell him the whole sordid truth. I feel like he might not offer me empty solutions, but only simple and pure friendship. I need it so badly right now.