Update

So, things have changed in the sense that they have moved forward. Kevin mostly started staying at his parents house and we were, by default, sort of splitting our time with Jonah. He would be with Kevin during the day, and then I would pick him up after work. Weekends we just kind of did whatever worked for us (mostly a split). Well, last Monday (Memorial Day), I came home. He told me that he was "done". When I pressed for what he meant by this, he told me that he would like a divorce.

This is actually good news. This is where I know we were headed anyway. I thought I would have to be the one to do it. But apparently he is as unhappy as I am. Or just ready to move on. Whatever it is, I'm glad. So he has officially moved out. Right now we are doing a 50/50 split with Jonah. When the time comes I will ask for primary custody. Mostly, though, that is so I retain the power to make decisions for him and so he has a main residence. I still plan to let Kevin have very generous visitation. It's important that Jonah remains completely connected to both of us. It's actually killing me what we are doing to him right now. I keep hoping that, in the long run, he will be happier because his parents are happier. But for now I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. It's painful to even think of it. I also admit it is hard to be away from my son so much. I never spent a night away from the child until he was nearly 3 years old. Suddenly he is spending several nights away from me each week. It's strange. And I miss him terribly. I'm just trying to find my way through this, to make it as easy on him as possible. But no doubt, everything is changing.

For now I am staying at our house. However, I cannot afford it on my own. So I am apartment hunting. I think I have another month or two here before I leave. I am transferring bills into my name, too. I guess I am preparing for a life on my own with Jonah. It's scary. But also very exciting. Everything is so up in the air right now. I am just anxious to see where it will all land.

I will try and continue to keep everyone posted. Rest assured, I am doing OK. Things are chaotic and tumultuous and I am living under the heavy weight of guilt. But I think things will be fine, better even. Somewhere inside of me, I even feel happier.