In the places outside my head, things are normal and fine. Jonah has just finished pee-wee basketball. He is moving on to pee-wee soccer on March 1. See. Even when I’m all strange and coded on the inside, on the outside I’m just like any other team mom. And I have to say, it is fun and darling to watch my little guy. He’s growing so incredibly quickly. He’s almost 4 now. He stands waist high against me and makes oddly profound little declarations. It’s wonderful and exciting and my heart squeezes with a tight and almost overwhelming love just to look at him.
Next week I will have another tattoo etched on my body, this one for Jonah. I had an appointment in November and I cancelled it at the last minute because suddenly the design I had in mind didn’t seem right. I was going to have it woven in to the tattoo that I have for Riley. For some reason, though, that idea seemed… not right. I don’t know. They are separate entities. Both my beloved children, but significantly different. There was something too weighty about tying everything lovely and innocent about Jonah into the dark grief of losing Riley. Even though my love for them marks an intersection, I just feel like they are their own presence. For me there is so much tangled about their lives. But Jonah exists on his own and should embrace the bright, airiness of his joyful identity. So in the end, I decided to pay tribute to my son with a design all his own, something perfect for just him. This is the image I have chosen to model the design after:
It's called "Dove with Flowers" and is by Picasso. The name Jonah means dove. And the flowers, those pretty bursts of color, are just so full of hope and joy. It seems perfect for him. All of the concepts associated with those symbols... So next Saturday I will get this, or a representation of it, tattooed onto my body.
4 comments:
I love that Picasso painting! We used to have a copy of it in my parents' house when I was probably about Jonah's age. I like him having his own, too.
I am SUCH A WUSS about pain, and yet I am seriously thinking about getting a tattoo for both kids after the baby is born. I've always wanted one.
And about your "headspace"--maybe seven-year itch? And how do you feel about your job? The last time I felt that way I was postpartum, but I have also felt that way when my career wasn't going well and when my marriage was, not bad, but stale. If you think about it, you've been going through a lot of changes over the last several years, and it seems things are somewhat stable now. Sometimes the urge to move just to be moving can be really powerful after you've been through a tumultuous time.
But then I am just married to a therapist so what do I know :-).
Clair! I'm so glad you wrote- I've been wondering how things are going.
About your wierdness. Hmm. Obviously I have no idea what's really going on, but sometimes that sort of a funk or whatever is exactly what you need to see things in a fresh way. Plus, it's always a good excuse to listen to a ridiculous amount of introspective, meloncholy music.
You'll have to post pictures of the tatoo. And sweet Jonah. Little guys playing soccer are just about the cutest things EVER.
I think it will be so beautiful! Please post a picture after it is complete. I love hearing about Jonah growing up. Is he really almost 4!!! I cannot even believe that! And playing basketball and soccer, it doesn't even seem possible. In some ways he seems forever 2 to me, the age he was when ITW went down.
I know I go through periods where I feel very out of sorts, can't shake it and am not even sure if I really want to. It's been a while and obviously I'm not an expert on what you are going through, but for me I always to emerge at some point, usually with a new perspective on things. And I do agree with Shauna, it's a good excuse to listen to introspective music.
Hey there- just checking in to see how you're doing! How did the tatoo turn out? Hope things are going okay-
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