Eight

Another year, and another birthday for Riley. Sometimes I am surprised at how difficult this time of year continues to be for me. I feel the dread settle in right around Thanksgiving and it never lifts until the day of her birthday. I worked Saturday, the anniversary of the day we found out and my induction was started. I tried to focus on work, but my mind wouldn't stay still. After work Chris and I went for our usual Saturday night movie. We saw something light, but I still kept thinking... now I was waking up from the nap... now I had noticed she wasn't kicking... now I was driving to L&D. Reliving it is so terrible, but so unavoidable.

Before we left for the movie, Cody and I made plans to meet a little later. I was glad to have a distraction and the happiness I feel when he is around. There is something about seeing him that lets me shed other thoughts. When I got there, he knew what the day was. He hugged me tightly. I had planned to tell him that I wanted to stay with him, that I didn't want to be alone. This is the first year I faced Riley's birthday alone and I just didn't want to wake up by myself on Sunday morning. But before I even had to suggest it, he asked if I wanted to come home with him and meet his niece, watch her with him in the morning. So we left early and went to his house. It was actually really nice. We talked about so many things and just had this fantastic, meandering conversation that it would be impossible to recount. Just being with him made things easier for me. Sleeping next to him, with his arms and legs all tangled up around me, felt warm and safe. He got up early and left me to sleep. But he finally couldn't stand it and woke me up by sitting his baby niece on the bed next to me. She's so gorgeous. I got up then and enjoyed meeting her, playing with her, and feeling this sense of catharsis that came from spending that morning, the morning of my daughter's 8th birthday, with a happy smiling baby girl. To be able to do that, to feel the simple joy of being near a child, a girl no less, made me feel peaceful.

So Cody and I enjoyed our morning with her. It was a new world for both of us. Because I have been protective with Jonah Cody hasn't ever really seen me as a mom, which is such a huge part of who I am. So he got to see me in that role a little bit. And I got to see him all soft and vulnerable with this baby he obviously adores. I also met his sister before I left. She was friendly and nice and knew who I was the instant she saw me. I can be kind of reserved with new people, but she strips that away and talks to you as though she has always known you.

After I left Cody my mom and Jonah and I went to the mountains and sang Happy Birthday to Riley and let balloons go (yellow this year, except for Jonah who wanted light blue) as have done every year. We had dinner and just spent time together. It was a nice way for me to spend that day. I cried a little bit. And I ended up calling Kevin - it just felt right to call him on that day. No matter what, she is our baby. He is the only other person on the planet who knows what it is to love her and lose her in the same way I do. We only spoke briefly, but it was nice. I miss that little girl so much. Living under the weight of loss is hard. But I at least have some peace. And in the end, Riley's birthday this year was soft and full of comfort. I feel centered and like I can breathe.

Jonah stayed with Kevin the night of Riley's birthday and so I ended up going out again with Cody and staying with him again. And then again last night. But that's a whole different post... Tonight my boy is finally back with me and I am looking forward to holding his warm little body on my lap and drinking in his kisses and "I love you"s. Even when I am staring into the face of the most awful thing that has ever happened to me, it is impossible not to feel blessed in the presence of my beautiful little son.