How things are different

So, I am moved. It was such an ordeal. Because I am a complete slacker, I did not start packing until Saturday at 3pm with plans to move on Sunday. Thankfully I have wonderful friends and 3 of them, Nick, Chris and Cody, came and helped me pack. We stayed up all night doing it. Well, Chris went to sleep. But Nick, Cody and I packed through the night. On Sunday afternoon, when we were mostly done, Cody and I went and rented a storage unit. They were supposed to send a moving truck. But at 3:30 they called and said it was broken. So I had to scramble to rent a U-Haul. When I got back, more boys had shown up. They did everything. Mostly, I was just in the way. Lol. We got everything loaded and went to the storage place and my unit was locked still! Thankfully, after an hour, we tracked someone down. But we had more to do. I ended up sleeping at Nick's house. We all fell into bed around 2am. I had been awake for 42 straight hours. And I slept for 12. The next day Nick, Cody and I went back and we cleaned and moved the last of my stuff to my grandma's. And that was that.

Things at grandma's are going fine. It's weird not to have as much privacy or space. Jonah doesn't like it much either. But he knows we will move soon. And so we're both hanging on to that. It's not that things are bad. It's just like constantly feeling like a visitor. I am not there much. Jonah and I go out a lot. And when Jonah is gone, I usually go out with friends. I'm not miserable. And the fact that it is temporary is good. I also really like being closer to work, to friends, to Kevin's parents. Makes life easier.

So, I guess there is more to say here. I have been nervous about writing about it. But here goes. I am seeing someone. I have been. It's been a few months. I don't know how to characterize things. It started off as something not serious, a distraction. We were friends and we both knew there was an attraction. But as time has passed, things seem to be changing a little bit. I know that my feelings for him are evolving and it's scary as hell. We have a lot of obstacles. For one, I am in the midst of a divorce. Here's another one: he's 22. He's a college student and I am a mom. I mean, when we are together you don't feel the difference or notice it. But I am aware of it in the back of my mind. We are also both emotionally messy people. We both have all these walls up, we are guarded. And my guard is slipping. I am working to keep it intact because I don't know where he is coming from. We don't talk about it. But the fact is, I think his is slipping, too. There is a noticeable change between us. Other people see it. I feel it. But I am too scared to say anything to him about it. Right now we probably won't see each other as much for a few weeks. His best friend is on leave until the beginning of August so he is spending tons of time with him. And it kills me a little. I want him to see his friend and have a good time. But I also want to see him. I miss him. I like to look at him. But I have to let him have this time. I have to step back. I just want to be with him. I want him to miss me. But he is not the sort to tell you that kind of thing. He's quiet and moody. He maintains this distance. Not just with me, with everyone. But sometimes, when we are alone, it goes away and he is right there with me. Ok. I could go on for days. I'm going to stop now. But there you go. There's my secret.